Chickie wanted me to pass on this Public Service Announcement:
"Always practice safe lunch. Use condiments."
Thank you for your support. I guess I shouldn't bring up that she has a book called "Zombie Butts from Uranus." (I'm not kidding)
Moving right along...I am nothing if not parenting of the year material.
**
When my husband was young and living in New York City, the Dodgers were in Brooklyn. He was reminiscing about some quotes he remembered, which were mainly when they played the Yankees and got thumped pretty badly.
- "We wuz robbed"
- "Wait 'til next year"
That would pretty much sum up the first game in the tournament for the mighty Warriors last night. The Umpires made some really bad calls and even I could see that. The other team used whatever tactics that they had to get their way. I must admit that I have never seen anything like it. There was a large part of me that wanted to get in the face of the head coach a few times (as well as some of the parents from the other team) but I held back my smart alec self and decided to be a mature adult. It appears that the coaches from our team, as well as the parents will be protesting the game. It was that pathetic.
For me, it really doesn't matter. The girls did great! They are one AWESOME team! GO WARRIORS!!!!
***
Speaking of the game last night, Amelia finally lost her tooth (now that was a big change of subject). This would be the one that was hanging by a thread for the last week. She was sitting in between her sister and a friend in the back seat of our truck on the way home, and bumped her mouth on her sister's shoulder and out it came. This, my dear internuts internets, is one of the reasons I have a healthy supply of napkins in both automobiles. My husband is now a true believer.
***
I need to close this entry now as I need to choose and edit some pictures that I will be using in my first ever srapbook. I blame my girlfriend for getting me started on this. Don't get me wrong, I won't be heavily into it (I hope) because I simply won't have the time, especially when I go back to work. But it's fun to play with, and something that I can easily pick up and then put back down again. Oh but Lord, I would love me a Cricut.
Must go now...before I salivate on my keyboard.
This is good for a laugh. It will bring a smile to your face. Just see if it doesn't.
So there was this female broom and this male broom. And they met, fell in love and decided to get married. Oh my, the bride broom looked lovely in her lacie, ivory colored wedding dress. The groom broom looked dashing in his tuxedo. During the reception, the bride broom leaned over to the groom broom and whispered "we're going to have a little whisk." The groom broom responded "that's impossible!"
You know you are a geek, or are married to a geek (that would be me) when the number of computers in your house exceeds the number of people living there.
On the gripping hand, when something breaks, my computer help desk is up close, personal, and right by my side. All he needs is some coffee or a beer. Depending on what time of the day it is.
PS: Remind me to tell you about MY. NEW. COMPUTER!!!! Make sure you remind me in the comments or with an email because my short term memory reaches no further that about 2 hours and 36 seconds, and that's stretching it.
Carry on.
Before I actually get to the subject of this post, I need to take care of a couple of announcements. Yes, I know you are just thrilled with this information. Well, maybe not, but just fake it ok?
First off, if ANY of you know anyone who is good with Moveable Type, will you let me know? My husband is having trouble with it, and this fix is way beyond my capabilities. Speaking of my husband, I told him that I would forward along this information for him.
As most of you know, I started out with this blogging thing at OWW. When the limitations of Blogger got to be an annoyance, I shifted over to a new one called Swamp Gas.
Swamp Gas prospered, and I was quite happy with it, until, one fine day, the database that holds all the posts locked up solid and wouldn't let me add any more. My provider's tech support is somewhat.... lacking, shall we say. I (and a few other kind souls who are familiar with the mysterious inner workings of Movable Type) are poking and prodding at the blasted thing to see if it can be fixed. Since we all have real lives with jobs and kids and outside interests, this is a kind of "catch-as-catch-can" type of thing. Writing for a blog is a hobby and fun, NOT a grim necessity.
At roughly the same time, my own personal PC rolled over and puked when I attempted to do an uninstall of Linux, which was resident on the same physical hard disk as my Windows XP installation. Result: reformat, rebuild, and restore.
What a PITA!
But, I'm now up and running, and posting again. I have established another blog using Blogger which is called OWW2.
Come and visit. I might not entertain you, but it won't be for lack of trying.
Regards.... WARD
How can you resist that? Won't you go over and pay him a visit? You can even tell him I sent you if you want. On the plus side, it will give me extra brownie points and there are some particular chores I need done this weekend. Won't you help a fellow blogger (me) out. Why yes, I am a kiss-up. Why do you ask?
Hi honey! I love you!
Now that I have my wifely duties out of the way, I must admit to being stupid (shut IT). As much as I have been pimping Blog Fodder these past few weeks, I completely forgot to post a new topic on Sunday. What, with the girls being sick, and Chickie having tonsils that reminded me of big boobs with pimples, it kind of slipped my mind.
[side note]For those of you who have asked, she did have strep throat. Wait, I should clarify that The Emergency Room doctor said something along the lines of "WHOA!" when he checked her throat. He was pretty confident of the diagnosis without doing a throat culture. He talked Chickie into having the "shot" and people, I almost fainted. Not because she went with the shot, but because of the SIZE OF THE NEEDLE. People, it was 1 1/2 inches long, which was carefully explained to Chickie by the ER nurse, thank you very much. I almost gagged this nurse because clearly, when she talked to Chickie it could easily be categorized under TMI, but that's for another post. The only thing kept me from jamming the needle in HER buttox was the fact that she wearing purple. Everywhere. And Chickie loves her some purple. Quite frankly, I was surprised that the syringe wasn't purple.[/sidenote]
Wait, where was I? Oh yes, Blog Fodder. I have remedied that situation by posting a new topic tonight, which I know you will all participate in. Right? I'll wait while you go read here.
Ok, on to the fun stuff! Read below in the extended entry. I got this from a friend of my in an email. I loved it! How about you?
I found this information to be so helpful, I felt the need to share. In lieu of an actual post, here is a public service announcement that was sent to me by a very good friend of mine (who happens to be male).
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, " $5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and living off fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer. She's such a Bitch . . . . . . .
Not that I'm saying my main squeeze is anything like this.
I've heard some of these before but I couldn't resist putting them up. I think we all need a good laugh before we go start the weekend. I hope all of you are doing well.
I got the go ahead to return to work part time on Monday, which is a step in the right direction. I struggle with the concept of not pushing myself too hard, and I got a pretty good lecture about that. I learned allot during the appointment as I was not loopy from the drugs and could actually focus and pay attention to what she was saying. Oh, and not fall asleep.
Over the next few weeks or so, I'll be visiting my regular doctor, as well as a nutritionist to help me combat the diverticulitis and keep it at bay. They'll be monitoring the adhesions, but it looks like I have a good chance of not having any future problems. Ok, she didn't term it exactly that way, but you do what you are supposed to do, and the only thing that can do is help. Right?
Ok, enough on the health stuff. It's time for the humor. As usual, just click on the extended entry.
I don't normally advertise stuff on my blog, but for this I'll make an exception. If you ever have trouble keeping your monitor clean, you really need to try this product.
It's one of the best around.
Tomkat, Brangelina compete for the nuttiest birth plan ever.
“I have been training to get my body accustomed to zero gravity for months now,” Cruise told reporters. “That’s why I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch.”Cruise said he and Holmes chose the moon because “it is really, really quiet there,” adding, “There are no human beings on the moon, no paparazzi, and most importantly, no psychiatrists.”
This explains alot of things.
Cruise refused to comment on the updated Pitt-Jolie birth plan, but said that he and Holmes were still “tweaking” theirs: “All I can say is it’s going to involve Cirque du Soleil.”
I wonder if they will be selling tickets?
For the full article, go here.
H/T goes to my friend Cinders.
Just a little humor for Thursday. I'm thinking this one hits the nail on the head a few times. Can you relate? Scary huh?
A little bit of humor to brighten up your Wednesday. I don't know about you, but today pretty much stayed in the toilet. We all have those days from time to time and I'm here to tell you that being in a really bad mood makes workouts ROCK! And when I was finished? I was a happy camper once again.
---------------------------------------------------
Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Kids, don't you just love them?
-------------------------------------------
The Seven Dwarves of Menopause
Click on the extended entry for this one. It's worth it.
I wonder if this is what my coworker told my boss this morining?
RAWR!!!!
This one's for T1G.
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that they had enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his Veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabaman said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, put it in a beer can, held it up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw an d demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says:
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. I, for one, relate to this example really well. I leave you to figure out which side.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
I'm posting this for Mr. Moogie, as well as other men out there who may be somewhat at a loss when it comes to women. I think this should give you a good idea.
A nod in the Phin's direction for this little helpful tool.
I saw this on a bumper sticker on the way to work this morning.
"Most mornings, I wake up grumpy. Sometimes, I let him sleep."
At last.... A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Sent to me by Catfish.
A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there." (Click on the word "there".)
Sent to me by Catfish.
Bwahahahahahaha.....I think this about sums it up, don't you?
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed.
"Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
Here's some good advice for all of you women out there. I'd probably print this out and put it on the refridgerator to help you cope. What do you think ladies?
********************************************
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
In the mail pouch today, was this little number straight from Sir Catfish. Since Sharon and Melonie are writing a book about marriage and all of the ingredients, I thought they would appreciate this one. Furthermore, my neighbor and counterpart in the on-going series of "Let's be Paranoid Together," Suzanne, who's husband is trying to garner "points", probably will enjoy this as well. After all, she just bought a motorcycle, and is temporarily driving a pickup truck. I'm waiting for the pictures of the gun rack and bumper stickers she's recently acquired. Gotta love a woman with an exploding cat. And of course, we can never forget my younger, though not as intelligent (she got all of the looks, lucky dog), Christina. She puts the Feist, back in Feisty, and her daughters (who excel in the Texas version of Kick the Can) seem to be following in this most talented lady's footsteps.
Ok, I'm a little behind the 8 ball on this one.
12 loads of laundry to do,
12 loads of laundry,
You drink a beer,
Wash a brassiere,
11 loads of laundry to do
(Ok, so I shouldn't give up my day job to be a song writer)
Speaking of bras......
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
"Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type.... supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type.... lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type........ keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist.....makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
(They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen)
Saw this quote over at 'Necks.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
......................................Roseanne
| 6:44 PM | |
A good friend of mine sent this to me via email, and I just about fell out of my chair laughing. I immediately thought of Key because, you know, she has this fixation with feminine hygiene Christmas ornaments and all.
**********************************************
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)...
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake)...
Now, fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next, in came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter. Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"
Christina, Key,and Redneck: Or is that "Wimmin?"
I just thought I'd set the record straight by sharing this story. I'm sure the men (sorry, 'Neck, even though you and my eldest share common stinky parts, it must be told) will think this is over the top. We "wimmin" need to get the word out. And verily I say unto you. Spread the word.
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and reports that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me what you mean."
So she takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony. Then she pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
"No, I'm actually a blond," she replies.
Just a little relaxing Sunday humor. I need to head on into work for a couple of hourse, and I'm procrastinating a bit.
Just click on the images to make them bigger.
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE....IF WOMEN CONTROLLED MEDICINE
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
Napa Valley vintners, who are famous for Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio,have come up with a hybrid grape that is anti-diuretic. It is perfect for the elderly, as it reduces night time trips to the bathroom. It will be marketed as Pinot More.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV Stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."
The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
I got this email from my friend Melonie today. I don't normally post gender specific entries but I thought the ladies might like this one.
===========================================================
Ok .. BE HONEST....how many of you REALLY ENJOY getting little angel love notes from every person in your address book? You know the ones *I love you so here's a too cutesy angel and some mushy poem to prove it...* ~~ BLEH!!
Like the cute wasn't bad enough, THEN they FORCE you by threatening bad luck if you don't send it on to others and back to them to prove you read the e-mail. A vicious circle.
Here's MY version:
Author's note: The email has been edited to include just the necessary items. After said author cleaned the drool off her keyboard (is it hot in here?), she imediately posted it for all the overworked, under appreciated women in the world.
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather humorous.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method.
Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
One of my children is crashed on the couch and it's not even 6:30 yet. They have been so busy this week at school with all the Christmas parties and activities. Of course, the other one has to jump in and say, "I'm hungry." What? I mean, she had lunch at school and all of that. Doesn't she realize I need to blog? In an effort to appease my insensitive daughter, I will keep this short. Those of you who know me, realize that this is an extremely difficult task for me. Tonight, my loyal readers, I close (at least for now) with a little bit of Christmas humor.
