We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
I'm posting this for Mr. Moogie, as well as other men out there who may be somewhat at a loss when it comes to women. I think this should give you a good idea.
A nod in the Phin's direction for this little helpful tool.
I saw this on a bumper sticker on the way to work this morning.
"Most mornings, I wake up grumpy. Sometimes, I let him sleep."
At last.... A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Sent to me by Catfish.
A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there." (Click on the word "there".)
Sent to me by Catfish.
Bwahahahahahaha.....I think this about sums it up, don't you?
Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!
Curtsey to Michele for this one.
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed.
"Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
Here's some good advice for all of you women out there. I'd probably print this out and put it on the refridgerator to help you cope. What do you think ladies?
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1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Click on the PIG.
Hat tip to Catfish.
In the mail pouch today, was this little number straight from Sir Catfish. Since Sharon and Melonie are writing a book about marriage and all of the ingredients, I thought they would appreciate this one. Furthermore, my neighbor and counterpart in the on-going series of "Let's be Paranoid Together," Suzanne, who's husband is trying to garner "points", probably will enjoy this as well. After all, she just bought a motorcycle, and is temporarily driving a pickup truck. I'm waiting for the pictures of the gun rack and bumper stickers she's recently acquired. Gotta love a woman with an exploding cat. And of course, we can never forget my younger, though not as intelligent (she got all of the looks, lucky dog), Christina. She puts the Feist, back in Feisty, and her daughters (who excel in the Texas version of Kick the Can) seem to be following in this most talented lady's footsteps.
Ok, I'm a little behind the 8 ball on this one.
12 loads of laundry to do,
12 loads of laundry,
You drink a beer,
Wash a brassiere,
11 loads of laundry to do
(Ok, so I shouldn't give up my day job to be a song writer)
Speaking of bras......
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
"Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type.... supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type.... lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type........ keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist.....makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
(They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen)
Saw this quote over at 'Necks.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
......................................Roseanne
A good friend of mine sent this to me via email, and I just about fell out of my chair laughing. I immediately thought of Key because, you know, she has this fixation with feminine hygiene Christmas ornaments and all.
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My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake)...
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake)...
Now, fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next, in came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter. Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"
I often wondered what they were thinking.
Christina, Key,and Redneck: Or is that "Wimmin?"
I just thought I'd set the record straight by sharing this story. I'm sure the men (sorry, 'Neck, even though you and my eldest share common stinky parts, it must be told) will think this is over the top. We "wimmin" need to get the word out. And verily I say unto you. Spread the word.
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and reports that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me what you mean."
So she takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony. Then she pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
"No, I'm actually a blond," she replies.
Just a little relaxing Sunday humor. I need to head on into work for a couple of hourse, and I'm procrastinating a bit.
Just click on the images to make them bigger.
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE....IF WOMEN CONTROLLED MEDICINE
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
Napa Valley vintners, who are famous for Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio,have come up with a hybrid grape that is anti-diuretic. It is perfect for the elderly, as it reduces night time trips to the bathroom. It will be marketed as Pinot More.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV Stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."
The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
I got this email from my friend Melonie today. I don't normally post gender specific entries but I thought the ladies might like this one.
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Ok .. BE HONEST....how many of you REALLY ENJOY getting little angel love notes from every person in your address book? You know the ones *I love you so here's a too cutesy angel and some mushy poem to prove it...* ~~ BLEH!!
Like the cute wasn't bad enough, THEN they FORCE you by threatening bad luck if you don't send it on to others and back to them to prove you read the e-mail. A vicious circle.
Here's MY version:
Author's note: The email has been edited to include just the necessary items. After said author cleaned the drool off her keyboard (is it hot in here?), she imediately posted it for all the overworked, under appreciated women in the world.
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather humorous.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method.
Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
One of my children is crashed on the couch and it's not even 6:30 yet. They have been so busy this week at school with all the Christmas parties and activities. Of course, the other one has to jump in and say, "I'm hungry." What? I mean, she had lunch at school and all of that. Doesn't she realize I need to blog? In an effort to appease my insensitive daughter, I will keep this short. Those of you who know me, realize that this is an extremely difficult task for me. Tonight, my loyal readers, I close (at least for now) with a little bit of Christmas humor.
