I've always found it difficult to make controversial decisions, which is to say decisions that I know will probably make people unhappy with me. I generally am a "go-with-the-flow-don't-tip-the-boat-over" kind of gal, because it is safe. And no one will get mad. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work that way and you are caught between a proverbial boulder and a volcano, and you have to follow your gut.
I've spoken before about a child who, in recent past, I have befriended. He's eaten dinner with us any number of times. He does small chores around the house, fixes bicycles and skateboards, and talks to my husband while he works the cars. He lives with his grandparents, and as far as I can tell, has parents that are, for whatever reason, virtually non-existent in his life. A little while ago, I started noticing that things would disappear. I'm not going to go into detail here, for obvious reasons, but suffice to say, I first thought I was losing what was left of my mind. I thought I was misplacing things.
As time moved on I began to pay attention, and realize that it wasn't me, or my husband or kids. Things were actually disappearing out of our garage. Due to another incident that I wasn't directly involved with, it was brought to my attention that this child who I had befriended was the one robbing me blind stealing from us. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't anything huge, but it began to add up. I did get some of the things back, but not all. I did talk to his grandparents but they told me that it was not his fault and that other kids were forcing him to do this. Alrighty then, that wasn't going to work.
At that time, I didn't want to involve the police so I sat down and had a long talk with him. It didn't work. The behavior continued, and it wasn't just exclusively at my house. He began to break into houses, and during one instance, he defecated (yes, I know) in one of the bedrooms he broke into and then went on to brag about it at school. At that point, the parents that lived in that house called the police. There have been times when the police have been called (when he was throwing firecrackers at random children on the street), but for the most part, nothing happened. The grandparents were approached, but failed to discipline him and quite often, even when he ADMITTED the behavior, shrugged their shoulders and said "what do you want us to do about it? We can't control him."
So things continued to come up missing, some of my screens were ripped (he had been seen hanging around our house while we were on vacation). Occasionally, he would get caught. One man actually made him go door to door, on the entire street, and admit that he had stolen paint from his garage. But no police action.
As a neighborhood, we banded together. Many of us agreed that something had to be done. I want to point out that he likes to implicate other people whenever possible. Most were reluctant to involve the police.
Last night I caught him red handed. He was beating feet down my driveway on his bicycle. I called him back and he turned into the neighbor's driveway, out of site, and then came back. When he approached me on foot (not on the bicycle he had just stolen from the neighbor's house), I held out my hand. And he said "I don't got it." And I said "How do you know what I was asking?" He told me he had nothing and showed me his pockets (I knew what he had taken). So I told him to get ready and tell that to the police. At that point, he cracked and told me not to call “the cops.” He ran next door and retrieved what it was he had stolen (he had thrown it in the bushes). I made a split second decision that I believe was the right thing to do. I turned around, and walked towards the door. He asked me what I was going to do and I slowly faced him. "I'm going to do what should have been done all along. I'm going to call the police." And I did.
Simply put, the police came and took my story. As I was filling out my version in triplicate, one of the police officers called, what I'm guessing was the station, and talked to a fellow officer who was apparently, working on some other complaints for this same child. The officer told me that I could pick up the police report in about a week and that I should be expecting a call from the Juvenile Court.
In this neighborhood, news travels faster than snake snot, and I was inundated with calls from folks that wanted to know what happened and why I had two police cars parked in my driveway. So I told them. And got mixed reactions.
I don't know what's going to happen next. But I do know that I made what I believe was the only choice I had. I have to try to put a stop to his behavior before it gets more out of control. Before he starts to steal bigger things. Before he starts to hurt people. I'm at peace with it. I will deal with the folks who are angry with me. At least I did something.
I purposefully added the 2007 Delurking Button in the hopes that, if you have the time, you will share your feelings on this matter. My question to you? What would you have done?
Comments
Came this way via Becca at Smoochy.
Hellooo!
That's a tough decision to make. An obviously troubled child with no one (his grandparents) seemingly willing to step up to the plate to help him...I don't know. Police intervention is really the only choice you had to protect what is yours and your neighborhood. Still a tough call. I think what you did was right in the only way you personally could handle the problem.
It's so sad to see kids dismissed this way. If more intervention was had at home, this could have been avoided.
I feel bad for the boy. He's probably had no real guidance and the absence of his parents has probably left him feeling isolated and with the need for attention. Very sad.
Posted by: Summer at October 10, 2007 8:16 PM
You know, you were pretty patient, and I think I would have done the same thing (and I'm all about supporting the underdog). When a kid ends up in serious trouble (the kind that requires lawyers and bail), you often hear people say, "didn't anyone see it coming? didn't anyone do anything to help him out?" As far as I'm concerned, you did just that, because perhaps he will get some professional counsel and receive the help he clearly needs. It's obvious he's not getting any help at home.
Posted by: Mrs. G. at October 10, 2007 10:37 PM
I think you did the right thing. He wasn't getting any guidance from his parents/grandparents and despite repeatedly being caught and disciplined by you and your neighbors his behavior continued. It could be that his behavior was an attempt to get attention from his parents/grandparents. Unfortunately it didn't, at least not the kind that would've corrected his problems. I understand that juvenile detention facilities are increasingly including personal and group counseling. I hope he gets some, the defecating in someone's house seems to me to be a potential sign of deeper issues.
Posted by: bob at October 11, 2007 9:25 AM
The kid is obviously troubled, and getting no guidance from anyone at home. You did the best you could, but you have no authority over him. In fact, he seems to delight in thumbing his nose at authority of any kind. You did what you had to do. No guilty conscience, okay? The guilty parties are the parents and the grandparents. Not you.
Posted by: Omnibus Driver at October 11, 2007 10:10 AM
Troubled or not, he needed help. And now he'll get it. I type up psych reports for sexually violent predators and it includes their criminal history way back to when they were a child. I wonder how many wouldn't have gotten to the SVP status had they been dealt with when they were kids. It breaks my heart - makes me kiss my kids more and hug them a little tighter - even in the middle of the night.
You did the right thing. You're a good egg, Moog.
((HUGS))
Posted by: Kris at October 11, 2007 10:49 AM
This child needs intervention and professional help. The phrase 'tough love' comes to mind. Since the parents and grandparents are unwilling to do this, you did the right thing by hopefully beginning the process to give him access the social services divisions of your local county.
I would encourage you, if you are willing to invest the time, to perhaps contact the social worker that will be assigned to him and indicate that you are willing to play a small part in helping out. I said 'small', not take over as his 'big sister' or be a foster parent.
That might just mean providing things like a fun book to read every now and then or buying a him a magazine subscription. I don't really have a clue what you can do, but the social worker will have ideas for you. Or the social worker might say that you've done enough just by starting the process and now you need to back out.
You can sleep well tonight knowing that you 'stepped up' and 'showed up like a grownup', and did your very best to help someone in your community.
And, by the way, you provided a great example to your own children and your local community. You showed them how compassionate you are by having tried to resolve the issue personally, but that you knew where and when to draw the line.
You are to be commended for your actions.
Posted by: Connie at October 11, 2007 11:01 AM
Moogie, tough call there but you did what any parent would do you tried.
You pointed it out it was wrong, told him off, did it again & again and then said "enough is enough, this is gonna hurt" and it does it's not easy to call the police on someone you know and care about even if just a little.
I'm 100% behind you, you know this don't you.
As to what I'd have done. Well let me see told his grandparents what he was up to and that If I catch him again I'd deal with it if they didn't make an effort
If I caught him again, I'd deal with it as if it was my own kid - ban him from the house for a week, tell him if I see him hanging around the house with in the week the police WOULD be called - take him to his grandparents and tell them the same!
If after that didn't work or other people were missing things / he was bragging about it school, I'd make note of that and IF I caught him again I'd make sure he knew I'd caught him make him return the item as you did and as you did call the police and make sure he went Nowhere till they arrived..
Somewhere in there if i thought it valid enough and I know it's kinda cruel put him over my knee on the front porch and giveing him a good spanking (in semi-public) embarrassment factor 100 me thinks..
** hugs to you, ward and the kids **
Posted by: Gordon aka Gopher at October 11, 2007 3:17 PM
I praise you for having the ovaries to contact the police....I just can't fathom the grandparents doing nothing. He should be placed in a social environment that CAN discipline him. And he can see what other kids his age have done and are now going through!!! This is NOT good. The boy needs some tough love, you started him in the right direction. If it comes up....I would go one step further and suggest that the boy be put in a home that can be at his every step of the day!! He will go further and not stop 'til it's too late.
And firecrackers at other kids? And no one's doing anything about it? Where are these cops? I would be livid by now!!!
YOU DID GOOD Moogs. And fight every action that ISN'T for the good of your family and home!!!
Posted by: Hootin' Anni at October 11, 2007 5:09 PM
I would have done the same I believe...to a point I understand ppl wanting to help* support* be understanding* with a child..in your neighbourhood, just as u have done...but there comes a point when his behavior isn't improved by the efforts of others protecting him...u have to put a stop to it just as u did. It certainly wasn't easy for u , that is evident..but it was the right thing to do......To often..some ppl use the guise of *caring* to not report or do anything concrete ...but actually it's more trouble to do so then to do nothing. Let's just ignore whats going on, turn our heads, not deal...pretend we see nothing.....is a sad comenatary on much of society today.
You have probably taken the hard move that will make a real difference in this boys life...it may be the wake up call he needed...and it may not...either way..it had to be done. Bravo for doing it!
Posted by: Moon at October 11, 2007 6:01 PM
I think you did the right thing.
Posted by: Twisted Cinderella at October 11, 2007 11:51 PM
Wow. (Here from Michelem btw)
To tell you the truth, it wouldn't have been a hard decision for me. Clearly his guardians are out of their depth and this boy needs putting on the right track before it's too late.
I applaude you and maybe one day, he will, too?
It would have been easier to do nothing but think how you'd feel ten years from now if he ends up in jail for burglary...or worse...if you didn't do all you could to get him back on the straight and narrow?
Posted by: Mike Davis at October 12, 2007 5:49 PM
Yikes! That's a tough one, but I think you made the right decision. I hope that this kid gets straightened out before this gets worse. His grandparents are really doing him a huge disservice.
(Michele sent me, and I'm glad she did!)
Posted by: Geggie at October 12, 2007 6:31 PM
I think you did the right thing. I think there's a huge difference between how you react to a one time event and how you react to a chronic behavior. Is it an unpleasant thing to have to do, certainly. That's why nobody wants to deal with it. But I think it's the moral equivalent of the time I was about five and I stole two mini peanut butter cups from the 7-11 and my mother marched me back in and made me apologize to the cashier. And I totally learned my lesson - i got MUCH better at stealing so that I wouldn't get caught.
(I'm kidding about that last part.)
(But I do think you did the right thing.)
Posted by: precarious tomato at October 13, 2007 9:13 AM
You took the hard road, Laura, and it was absolutely the right thing to do. Here's a kid whose parents simply aren't there, and whose grandparents think nothing of enabling him, making excuses for his deviant, lawless behavior.
It is precisely because he has not yet had to face the consequences of his actions that he's gotten to this point. I feel immensely sorry for kids like this who lack the blessing of a good family from where they can learn the critical skills they'll need to navigate life. But life isn't always fair, and a child who's taken this kind of turn needs the kind of punishment that only the justice system can deliver at this point.
Someday, I hope he comes back and thanks you for having the guts to change the direction of his life.
Posted by: Carmi at October 13, 2007 3:30 PM
