Dear Self,
Hey there! Howzit? I sensing you are struggling again. Anything I can do to help?
I wouldn't know what it is. I'm heading back down again. Why is it, that when I finally feel like I've got it together, I start to feel like I'm falling apart? I can't seem to get a break.
Look, you've got a lot on your plate. Your kids have a lot of activities, and then there's the whole homework situation. And don't get me started about work. It happens every year. End of fiscal year. Things get crazy. Responsibilities are dumped on your shoulders. Anybody would crack under that pressure. But every year, you prove yourself. You prove that you can handle it. What's different this year?
I know. I know you're right, at least in my heart but my brain is taking the other road. I love my kids but they are driving me nuts. Meelie does NOTHING but whine and moan. And cry. It makes me want to scream. And she's a worrier. So much so that it drives me to distraction and Lord only knows, I'm distracted enough myself. I don't know how to fix it! I'm her MOTHER! I've tried everything. And don't even get me started on my pre-teen. The attitude! It's too much! One minute she's happy, the next she goes off in a huff and slams the door. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I never know which one I'm going to get! Oiy..the mood swings. I can't cope. She and I used to be so close. Almost like friends, in a mother-daughter sort of way. What's going on?
I understand. You feel extremely helpless right now. But you are doing all of the right things. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but one day, things will get better. You are still close. She knows she can come to you when things are tough. You know this. It's all part of growing up and becoming independent. Believe me, you and the big guy are the one stable thing in her life. Just ask your mom. Come on. Be honest here. Do you think you didn't do the same thing when you were growing up? Why don't you ask her how she coped? It's part of the job description. You are a MOM. Get used to it. It's not going to get better for a while.
Yeah, easy for you to say. YOU don't have to go through it. You don't have to deal with a demanding job, with increasing responsibilities. You don't have to deal with the long hours, and the fact that you have to work weekends. Weekends are ok, don't get me wrong. Especially this time of year. But they expect me to work on my birthday! Which falls on a Saturday this year. On my friggin birthday. I was planning on going to my parent's house and spending the weekend there with my family. We always have a celebration with the family on birthdays. It was supposed to be MY DAY. MINE! It's not fair!
Now who's whining? Get a grip woman. It's part of life. You have family responsibilities, work responsibilities. It's all a juggling act. Get off your high horse and get it together. You can do this. It's always hard at the beginning of the school year. You just need to get the schedule down pat and float into the groove of things. You can DO this. Oh, and, have you called the doctor yet?
Fine. Whatever. Far be it from me to think my alter ego would understand. Why would you be any different than anyone else? It's typical of my life. Everyone thinks I should just get over it already. And no, I haven't made the appointment with the doctor yet.
I understand more than you know. Look, your having the dreams from Hades and waking up at o-dark thirty. You don't go back to sleep until about 15 minutes before your alarm goes off. You are not getting enough sleep. You know how things are when you don't get enough sleep. Everything is too much. And truth be told? I'm getting sick of the whole gagging thing in the morning. You have not only the whole drainage thing into the stomach going on, but the reflux is acting up and most morning you spend at least 10 minutes settling your stomach. This is not right. You know this. Why don't you ask for help?
Because it would mean that I am weak. That I cannot cope. That I am not meant to be a mother or a wife, or a career woman for that matter. I am a failure. I want to crawl up in a little ball and hide.
Well you can't. You have a family. You have work. You have a life. You have countless humans that rely on you. You know you can do this. You need to reach out and ask for help. It does not mean you are a failure. It means you know that you are struggling, but you are smart enough to realize when enough is enough. It's time to get off of the roller coaster. Get thee some help woman. So that you can continue to move forward with your family and with your job. I am so proud of you. You can DO this. You just don't have to do it on your own.
I know. Deep down I know that you are right. It's just so hard to ask for help.
I realize that. But trust me. When you let go, and you get help, life will get easier. And I will be with you every step of the way. You are, after all, Moogie. And you have come so far.
Comments
I like this idea of having a conversation with yourself. I'll have to remember it when I'm up at 0'dark-thirty! I hope this is the night you sleep like a baby. Michele hopes so too.
Posted by: colleen at August 16, 2007 8:29 PM
Wow. I wish my "self" was as helpful as yours is. Everything you said here was true. And asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. And I hope you can find that help from someone.
I hope letting this out was therapeutic.
It sort of was for me!
And, hi, Michele sent me!
Posted by: Catheroo at August 16, 2007 8:57 PM
Aw, this is so great. This kind of clarity is hard to achieve, but knowing yourself so well and knowing when you need a boost is definitely a good thing.
Posted by: Jay at August 17, 2007 3:11 AM
see, you do know what to do and what the answers are. that's the first step. next step - start doing. call. the. doctor. ask hubs for help, show him this and let him know a gentle nudge now & then will help you do what you know you need to do.
I know you can do it, and you do to. I'm rooting for you.
Posted by: bob at August 17, 2007 3:32 PM
Moogie just a couple of points. If you can possibly hang on to your SOH it's one of God's little jokes that the kids start the beginnings o;f raging hormones when you may be nearing another kettle of fish. the second - my kids really appreciated it when I confessed that their perfect mother had not been quite so perfect when she was their age - with details . they lapped it up!
Good luck honey and don't be too hard on yourself.
Posted by: Pat at August 17, 2007 4:47 PM
Moogie, chin up I know it's bad but it sounds like it's at it's worse moments, ask you mom what she did to cope that would be a good idea definatly. I am suspecting that meelie is much like you in so many ways and that's what is the true distraction. Just tell her to get on with it to stop whining that she's not 5 anymore and that won't work at all, or else have ward do that.. Tell work why can't someone else do some of this WHY does it have to be me! Sounds like your stomach is reacting bad to the stress :(... *hugs you* I feel sorry you have to work your birthday, it sucks I have to work mine normally but I took my holidays then. I'll see what I can do to cheer you up when it is.
Meelie, your how old now, stop whining young lady, I know it's tough with all this new stuff to learn and homework to do but one day you'll see it's worth it, honestly it is worth it, how would you like to be say 15-20 yrs old and NOT be able to read stuff properly, do simple maths, be able to write properly OR a combination of all 3, that wouldn't be very good now would it I know people who are like that it hurts that they can't do stuff I can do without thinking about it too much. Now give your mom a break please just get on with it, the consequences of not doing it right now might not be felt right away but in like I said 15-20 yrs time!
Chickie, young lady I know there is a lot of stuff going on what with all the school stuff you have to learn, homework to do , your various other extra-curricular activities that you do, that and your hormone levels are probably way off the norm right now just remember mom might not always be right but she is only trying to do what she can, she doesn't want to be your no. 1 best friend, just someone you can talk to about stuff, so don't think she doesn't understand you, she does in more ways than one you just don't know it. Try counting to 10 before slamming the door next time that should help a lot.
I've gotten to know all of 3 of you over a good period of time and I am a guy so what would I know eh. Maybe a lot, maybe nothing but I am glad I know you all.
Ward time to start slipping prozac into the water supply I think...
Posted by: Gopher at August 18, 2007 6:32 AM
I hope the pep talk worked! Help is a good thing.
Posted by: a happier girl at August 19, 2007 3:00 PM
Pep talk to self? I like the concept. Yours sounded effective. I'll have to go at it the next time I find myself awake with mind spinning, round and round.
Posted by: Daisy at August 19, 2007 9:28 PM
