My girlfriend and I went out to lunch today just to get away from it all. For whatever reasons, we started to talk about roller coasters. I used to ride them with abandon as a child, most likely because my Dad was with me. As I grew into my teens, my friends were there, generally double dog daring each other to ride. Hello people? You can not turn down a double dog dare. Reputations are at stake.
Today? Not so much so. I just can't bring myself to ride them any more. What if something were to happen? What if it broke down and we were right in the middle of a loop-dee-loop,, and were left hanging upside down until they got it fixed? What if it malfunctioned and the car I was riding in flew off of the tracks and I was hurled towards the ground which would surely result in my untimely death? Ferris Wheels? I ride them with my eyes closed and please God, do not let us stop on top because some kid who's stomach was filled with cotton candy and hot dogs decided to throw up. I just can't do it any more.
The older I get, the more frightened I get at everything. I can't go to the dentist any more without suffering from sheer panic. It's not so much the cleaning or x-rays, it's what the dentist finds when he comes in to do his exam. It's what I will have to go through to treat it. It's the fear of pain. Lord love a duck, can't you just put me to sleep and do all that you need to do? I can't cope with it any more.
It's the same when I go to the doctors for a regular visit. What will they find wrong with me this time? Granted, I've had some not-so-good experiences in which harmless doctors visits or tests resulted in having my but slammed into the hospital. I can't even go for an annual exam (think woman parts) any more, because the last time I did, I ended up in the hospital, with more tests, and surgery.
It's so hard. I don't care about much any more. I don't care about how I look. I don't care about how my house looks. I'm so tired all of the time. I cry at the drop of at hat. Everything is too much for me to handle. I can't stay focused and I'm having a hard time doing my job. This is so NOT me. I feel like everyone doesn't like me. Everyone is out to get me. Paranoid? Hell yeah. You tell me how to get past it.
And I am so angry. So very, very angry. And if you ask me why I cannot tell you. I love my husband. I love my children. They are my life. I have a good life, a good job. I just can't cope. It's stupid..it's silly. I should be thankful for what I have. And I am. But I cannot cope.
And I don't know what to do.
Comments
Are you depressed? Are you going through the change of life? Well, my dear, I went through the same thing when I listened to Dr. Sanjay Gupta on CNN extol the perils of continued use of HRT (hormone replacement therapy). Said really bad things could happen if you took it long-term. I have been on it since my hysterectomy in 1989 and I decided, all by myself, to discontinue my hormones. Then I went into a three-four month slide into the exact same symptoms you are experiencing. After realizing my mistake, I put myself back on the hormones and it took me a while to get back to normal. But I did. Are you old enough to be going through the change of life? If so (and some women begin in their 40s), you need to be checked by youir physician post haste. Otherwise, you may need the services of another physician you might not like seeing -- a psychiatrist.
Overcome your fears and see your doctor ASAP. And, let us know how you are doing. You shouldn't have to suffer all these symtoms.
Posted by: motherkitty at June 11, 2007 11:00 PM
Moogie - I echo what motherkitty said above: you should see your doctor to see if there is a physical reason for your fears. I know that this is exactly what you are afraid of. After the kids were born (16 mo's apart) my wife got to where she couldn't do anything. She wouldn't use the phone, she wouldn't leave the house - it was all she could do to take care of our babies. So I made the phone calls and got her to a doctor. (She had a combination of post-partum depression exacerbated by an existing tendency to be depressed.)
Ask your husband to do this for you. He can go with you to your appointment and can sit in with you when you see the doctor. I am sure he would be happy to help you through this. Please see someone! You don't have to go through this by yourself.
Posted by: Bob at June 12, 2007 10:29 AM
You're hearing it again, girl. I have moments of that and I'm beginning to go through the change. HRT may be what you need, it may not. It's not like you, though, to be so down-hearted. We're not that far apart... do you need a hand to hold while you get things checked out?
Know that we love you here and are concerned. Email me if you want and I'll give you my number in case you need to have someone to talk to.
Hugs.
Posted by: Judy at June 12, 2007 11:35 AM
You're hearing it again, girl. I have moments of that and I'm beginning to go through the change. HRT may be what you need, it may not. It's not like you, though, to be so down-hearted. We're not that far apart... do you need a hand to hold while you get things checked out?
Know that we love you here and are concerned. Email me if you want and I'll give you my number in case you need to have someone to talk to.
Hugs.
Posted by: Judy at June 12, 2007 11:35 AM
I'm with the rest of the ladies... and it sounds like you may be having panic attacks, as well. Go see your doc and have a serious heart-to-heart chat. You do NOT have to feel this way all the time.
Big hugs to you, my sistah!
Posted by: Omnibus Driver at June 12, 2007 3:24 PM
Thanks for coming to visit my blog earlier today, Moogie. At least you are venturing farther into cyberspace...
Uh... what they said. But if you're like me, you may be sitting there saying, "Yeah, but you just don't understand..."
Probably not. It's hard to understand when all you get to look at is a few hundred words a day.
Something that helps me is writing. Not in the blog, but three pages a day first thing in the morning. Even if all I write is "I don't know what to write." Over and over. By the time I get to page 1.5, honesty starts coming out.
Hope this helps. {{{{ehugs}}}}
Posted by: Silver Dragon at June 12, 2007 4:58 PM
I'm a guy and younger thank you so I'm out on those 2 counts alone, IF I was anywhere near girl I'd be over in a flash dragging your sorry for yourself butt out some place and you'd be TOLD to relax and not stress and stuff cos that would get me going and Yikes!!! We do not wanna go there :P
So all I can do is send one great big teddy bear hug or three your way :) I know it's not much but every little helps does it not?
Posted by: Gopher at June 12, 2007 6:05 PM
I'm still here, Sweetheart. And I ain't goin' away anytime soon... .
Posted by: OWW at June 12, 2007 6:58 PM
Awwwwwwwww.... ((((HUGS Moogie)))) ... you knOw you're going to hear the same from me as all the others! I am GLAD to hear you have a doc appointment -- and I hope you find the "just right" happy pill on the first try - just like I did! Been on it for 6 years now... and don't even THINK about takin' it away! It will all be better soon babe!
Posted by: Melli at June 12, 2007 9:10 PM
