Because Blog Fodder only has one topic per week, and I've been plagued with massive brain farts for quite some time, I totally stole borrowed this idea from Melli over at Insanity Prevails. If you want a good laugh, read her post about the hangover that wasn't supposed to be.
Anyway, I digress, but only because it makes the post longer.
I've been hesitant to make any New Year's resolutions, because I really don't want to hit 2008 and have to admit that I failed and each an every one of them by the first hour. I have a few, and I've yet to decide whether I'll post them or not. There's nothing like admitting you're a loser in front of the entire internet and then opening your door one Saturday morning to find the entire team of 60 minutes standing on the front step. Ahem.
Back to the subject at hand, which I had to go look up again because my short term memory has gone the way of the Pterodactyl. I was trying to think of something about me that you wouldn’t know. I came up with a few, but I will only post them after my Mom promises to remove her tongue out of her cheek, ok Mom?
What you may not realize is that I lack any form of self confidence. If I had to describe it I would say that it is lower than pond scum. No matter what my accomplishments are, I have never felt that I was good enough. I've been working on it, but it's pretty much a two step forward, 12 steps backward scenario. A losing proposition. Lord knows I feed on that. It's much easier to accept the fact that you are a complete and total waste of oxygen than to accept the accolades of a job well done.
I don't often, if ever, write about it here, because I don't want you to know that I am weak. Blogging is a wonderful thing because you get to choose exactly what you want to write about and what side of you that you want to share. It was kind of difficult to write this post because I'm rather private with the personal stuff, for the most part. I can share about my health issues, and the problems that I'm having with my children, but anything that gets remotely close to who I am makes me cough up a hairball. No joke.
I'm working on it. I'm so very blessed to have a family that loves me, even though I don't love myself. Granted, I'm sure they all think I need a stint at the Green Hills Institution, but they haven't come out and said it yet. As I grow older, the anxiety levels have made it difficult for me to handle being in crowds, or in small places where there are too many people. The good thing about all of this is that for whatever reason, I'm finally beginning to realize it and am taking the steps to reverse the process.
I'm finally looking at that light at the end of the tunnel and realizing that it's not a train heading in my direction, but a soft, glowing light held by those I love and cherish, beckoning me to move towards it and become comfortable with who I am. For once in my life, I hunger for that. The trip down that tunnel has a lot of instructions, and bridges, and family and friends holding my hand to get me through it.
And for that, I am grateful.
Comments
WOW! You came clean with something MAJOR! That was AWESOME Moogie! And I'm sure it was very difficult -- which isn't what I had in mind... but if it's what YOU had in mind - that's all that matters! Self esteem is such a tough problem too -- my youngest son is down there with ya in that pond scum. And none of US can figure out why! He's such a cool kid - highly intelligent and talented in SO many aspects! And yet he thinks nothing of himself... I hate that! And yea ... I love him -- maybe even MORE cuz he needs it! KUDOS to you for knowing it's a problem and for WORKING on it! That is HARD! I am so glad you DO have family that you KNOW loves you ... that's important. Derek is only starting to come to terms with the fact that WE love him... for years he didn't believe it. I think he is starting to though. Well... I can tell you that I, personally, find you to be a MOST worthwhile user of oxygen! (and would even SHARE mine with you in an emergency situation!) You are a GREAT mom, and you maintain a job so you must be a fairly diligent employee... I'm guessing your probably MORE than just "fairly" ... and you're sweet and funny! We all miss you when you don't come around.... I sure hope you come to enjoy yourself (and VALUE yourself) as much as others do! You're certainly worth it! ((((Hugs!))))
Posted by: Melli at January 4, 2007 7:05 PM
Green Hills Institute? Sounds grand to me!! Where is this place...I'd love to be lounging in the lush green meadow looking over those hills!!!!
Seriously Moogie...I KNOW you a bit from the years past, and I cannot say that you have never accomplished something that you shouldn't be proud of....look at those two fine, adorable girls you have. And you can call them an accomplishment, yessirree bob!!!! A fine example of doing things right in my book!!!
Now, go directly to jail...do not collect $200!!! Take THAT Moogie....shame on you for stealing!!! Oh wait...you DID say borrowed. Well in that case, ya wanna buy Park Place? Good price!!! It's on sale too!!!
Hehehehehe, have a wonderful Friday.
Posted by: Hootin' Anni at January 5, 2007 7:25 AM
We are our own worst critics. So it is easy to fall into the trap of feeding our self-loathing (if it has sunk that far) by dwelling on our perceptions of personal failure. I join with the others commenting here by observing that there is much to like about you and that you are not the poor person you perceive yourself to be. Granted I'm just getting to know you, but I like what I've seen so far! Take heart and keep striving towards the light of love offered by your family & friends. I'm pulling for you.
Posted by: Bob at January 5, 2007 8:31 AM
I completely understand the emotion and am so amazed that you said it! Shocked a little because I , (and i'm sure others here) would have never suspected that about you. You seem so smart and decent, and a good writer, and a good mom, etc etc. that it's hard to imagine you would feel that way.
I share the emotion with you for my own self, and it makes me wonder how we got to this? It's a never ending battle. I'm glad you have a wonderful family who loves you for all the wonderful things you are!
Posted by: Suzanne at January 5, 2007 11:36 AM
Hard to believe you could feel that way.
You rock!
I have enjoyed visiting with you for a long time now.
Huge Hugs
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one
Posted by: Raggedy at January 5, 2007 3:35 PM
Well now that comment just did not look right. I just mean I couldn't imagine you struggling with esteem issues..
Posted by: Raggedy at January 5, 2007 3:36 PM
