Lots of things happened in between last year and now, and for one reason or another, insurance, office errors and the like, I did not get a mouth guard to help out in that area. When I went in at the end of September for my regular cleaning, the dentist said, congratulations, you have no cavities…but. To add to everything else that is going wrong in my mouth, I am now experiencing more plaque than is normal. Hence, I now have to go for a cleaning every four months, instead of the normal six. That will change if we see that it was a one time thing. To top that off, I have broken three more teeth because of the alleged grinding, and the pitting continues.

Are you still with me? If you are, will you come to the dentist with me tomorrow and hold my hand?

I’m actually doing better with this appointment, at least for the moment (ok not really). My imagination is wild, and I find that I have to constantly fight images and voices, and let me tell you, the voices are so very loud. Before I go on, I just want to point out that this, in the grand scheme of life is very minimal. Especially when you think of folks who are facing much bigger challenges, like cancer. I know this, yet, it does not help me. And I really don’t know how to fight the fear. I know it’s irrational but I cannot stop the voices in my head or the pictures that flair up as I am sleeping. The pain. OMG(osh), the pain, and for the love of Paul and all that is holy, this is the worst thing that ever happened to me.

To combat the voices, I have a glass of wine, or two, mostly more. The only thing that does is calm me for the moment (sometimes the opposite) and leaves me feeling like crap the next morning. Not a good way to handle things I think.

I TOLD you I was irrational, but at least at the moment, I’m powerless to fight it. I simply don’t know how. It affects my health, and sleep and general well being. I’ve been living on Pepcid AC, Tums and Ammonium AD. Ridiculous? Absolutely, but very real to me. Oh for Heaven’s sake people, I am 44 years old. I need to get over it already.

I can’t.

Last night I woke up screaming “NO, I’m not ready, please! Please put me to sleep!” How pathetic is that? I will spare you the details because quite frankly, I am embarrassed.

So now, I’ve opened up to you, because I honestly had to put this down in writing. If nothing else, it lets me know how much I need to get it together. I have managed multi-million dollar contracts, faced the stresses of being behind schedule. I have placed orders that are worth more than what I make in a year. I am in a battle with the school board that I am not sure will end the way I want it to, but I still have no fear of getting up in front of all of them and telling them that while I’m more than willing to follow the policies and procedures, I am not scared of telling them when they are damaging my daughter, and we need to do something about it now.

So now, my dear internet peeps, I pose this question to you. How do I battle my demons?

I am open to suggestions. I’ll have a better idea of what the treatment plan will be tomorrow as they are supposed to have it all layed out for me. There are times when I want to give up and say knock me on the head with a rubber mallet, and be done with it. Pull out my traitorous teeth already. But I do not look forward to eating Gerbers the rest of my life.

Thoughts?