I tell myself this time and time again, but it never really sinks in.
I guess as a child, you expect it. Or, well, just get used to it. It's part of your life. But when you are an adult, you expect friendships to last. I'm finding that it really doesn't work that way. At all. And it hurts.
I lived in California for thirty years. And over that period of time, I made a lot of friends. Some were acquaintances, but some I considered close, and dare I say it? Best friends.
We were a tight knit group. Most of us had kids, or were working on it. We did things as families, as well as just as couples. Stealing a night out away from our children, with a common babysitter to watch them.
When I first heard about the job out here, I was skeptical. Bah. Why would they want to choose me, much less transfer me all the way across country? What did I really have to offer that was different than anyone else? All my friends stepped up to the plate and supported me. Told me to go for it. I mean, really, what did I have to lose?
I went through countless interviews. I flew from coast-to-coast more times than I care to remember. When the offer finally came, I hesitated. Mostly for the reasons that are obvious. Is this a good move for my family? Is this a good career move? What if things don't work out? What if this really isn't the job for me? These are things that most people striving to make a rational decision will have filtering through their minds consistently. I drove myself crazy with my second guessing.
It was an agonizing decision. Leaving my home of 30 years. My friends. My job. Everything that was familiar.
I am a financial analyst. That is a career for me, as much as it is an inherent part of my personality. I analyze every decision I make, frontwards, backwards, sideways, upside down and right side up. And then I do it over and over again. I make lists. And then I make lists for the lists. And then I rip them up and start the process all over again.
I accepted the job. My new boss wanted me out there in two weeks from the moment I told her I accepted the offer. Uh, I had two children and a house to sell? I got a reprieve. One month. Luckily, my husband was unemployed at the time, so he could get the house ready for sale, and take care of all the bits and pieces on that end.
About a week before I left, they threw a going away party for me. The amount of people in attendance was mind boggling. It was a good feeling. All of my friends clammored for time with me before I left. The promises of never losing touch were constant. And I believed them, because that is what enabled me to move forward.
I moved ahead of my family. When I finally got them all here, and we were settled in our new life, I realized that the emails and telephone calls from these friends had become few and far between.
Is it their fault? Certainly not. Is it mine? No. Was it a victim of circumstance? Most definitely, or at least I'd like to hope. The fact of the matter is, we are all busy with our families, our jobs. It's one thing to promise that you will never forget someone, but it's another to make that so. I'm just as guilty of that as they are. So no, there is no one person at fault.
But that doesn't make it hurt any less. That doesn't make me feel any less lonely. That doesn't stop me from having trouble extending or accepting the olive branch that is held in my direction.
But, I'm breaking out of my mold. I'm forcing myself to learn how to make new friends. It's been so long. I would imagine it is something like learning how to date again, after being out of the picture for so long.
Most times, I'd just assume dig a little hole, and live in my house, with my family and make them my focus in life. Which they are and always have been, but as an adult, I've come to realize I need more.
I learned that lesson from my children. They adapted so well, and it was them I was the most worried about. They have so many friends here, and are busy with so many different extracurricular activities, I've had to buy a calendar to keep track. They taught me that, while yes, friends come and friends go, you must be open to making new ones, and enjoy doing it. By doing so, your life will become enriched in ways that you could never fathom.
I want to be like them. Open, and innocent, accepting and excited. I was so comfortable in my skin, I was unwilling to look outside the realm of comfort to see what is on the other side. Slowly, that other side is coming into focus. It's a beautiful picture. It's in my grasp. I just need to find some more colors to add to the landscape and I'll be on my way.
Comments
This was such a beautifully written post, though my eyes are filling with tears because I know how this feels....you have struck a chord with me.
I've found for my own experience that often friends I have had were friends only as long as we shared a common experience: geographical location, same year in school, whatever. Once the experience was removed, the foundation for the friendship crumbled somewhat. No matter how many times it happens it never gets easier.
I don't mean to blog on your blog, I just wanted to tell you that I understand, have been there and done that, but you wrote about it much better than I could.
I, for one, am so happy to know you.
Posted by: sharon at January 12, 2005 06:41 PM
...and anyway, you've got me...Melonie...DaFFy...vegemite...Zoot...Michele....a whole bunch of people out here (I'm sorry if I forgot anybody!) cheering you on!
Posted by: sharon at January 12, 2005 06:43 PM
The first time I realized this was after high school. The friends you think will be yours forever, move on, create lives for themselves, and grow into adults who may or may not have similar interestests any more. I have felt your very same emotion on many occasions, and Sharon is right. It never really gets easier. Only now, I just try to look at people differently. I try to understand why the universe has thrown us together...and for what lesson. I suppose once the lesson is learned...we move on.
Posted by: Suzanne at January 12, 2005 07:22 PM
What a beautiful post. You were lucky to have your friends in California and you will be lucky to have your new friends. Time and distance don't end a friendship they just change it; change can be good. If it makes you feel better Sharon and I have gotten closer despite the distance. Wait a minute, what could that mean? Anyway, the point is you are a wonderful person and you will develop close friendships again. Heck, what about all of us, we love you. I know I know none of us live close enough to babysit!
Posted by: Melonie at January 12, 2005 09:38 PM
I recently went through something similar with an old friend of mine as well. We met when we both lived in California. She and her husband moved up to Oregon. We would visit each other at least once a year, if not twice. She was my maid of honor, at the birth of my 2 sons.....you get the picture. When we moved up to Portland (they lived here ) we never saw them. When her daughter was born (on my birthday) I wasn't a part of the birth. They ended up moving back to California and when her father died she never even called to let me know. I found out from her MIL when I just happened to call her house to talk to her. I now have the best group of women friends here now (that I met through PTA) and I no longer feel the loss of this friendship.
I hope you find peace with the lost friendships, and a wonderful new set of friends where you currently live.
Posted by: Wendy at January 13, 2005 01:53 AM
Excellent and well done.
Change forces growth, doesn't it?
I made that move six years ago, I was depressed for the first year and packed on the pounds.
After that, I decided to do, just as you have.
Now, I cannot imagine ever going back or where else I would want to live.
It's all about the journey.
;-)
Posted by: Christina at January 13, 2005 08:09 AM
I have two friends from high school and one from college I keep up with sporadically. Distance and our lives are basically what keeps us apart. It doesn't mean we don't care, it just means with everything going on in our lives we can't get together but every several years or so. I've been working on putting together new friends and networks here, and it's started to feel much more like home since I have.
Posted by: TW at January 13, 2005 12:13 PM
Hi Moo!
Personally, friends come and go -- longtime and short term. I know you feel saddened and PO'd too...but, new friends will fulfill your life, I'm sure. You have a friend in me. Don't lose faith in friendships. Live, learn get stronger. You have two beautiful girls that will always be friends. Maybe you don't think so now....but when they become adults and have children of their own, Mothers become the best of friends.
I hug you from a distance. Always
W¹
Posted by: Wystful 1 at January 13, 2005 06:53 PM
Man! It cut tons of my blog out! I'm bummed. Okay, okay -- I guess it's trying to tell me I'm full of it! Through and through. Luvya bunches Moo.
Posted by: Wystful 1 again at January 13, 2005 06:57 PM
G'day Moogie, what a great post. We can all relate to that. It is sad my friend that we have people that come and go in our lives. It is not because that we do not love them, or think of them, you alluded to that in your post. We do get "caught" up in our day to day lives, we "change" as people as we get "older" (not "old", but older, gheez I hate that word "old"). Your post has made me reflect about the "friends" that have been in and out of my life, I still love them all, I am as "guilty" as anyone about not "contacting" people that I care about, thinking to myself, (now is not the time, do it later), but sometimes "later" never comes, then it is "too" embarassing to lift the phone and say "G'day". These passing "ships" in the "night" (friends) will be there for you if/when the chips are down. We all have friends out there, that if we ever dared picked up the phone to say G'day, it would be like as if there had never been any time passed. You pick up the threads of life as if you had been there and experienced it with them. In the meantime, you get out there and form "new" friendships, does not mean that you leave behind in your heart your "old" friendships. You have the colours in your life Moogie, the "landscape" is yours for the painting. I wish you a "rainbow" xoxooxoxoxo
Posted by: vegemiterules at January 14, 2005 06:54 AM
I have moved four times in the past 5 years, so I can totally relate to leaving loved ones behind. I can only assume that life moves on, and since I'm gone, old friends have new friends, and my place in their life has changed significantly. We long for it to be the same, but it just never seems to be able to. Make new friends, new memories, and send a couple cards in the mail to remind the old friends that you moved, not died.
Posted by: myllissa at January 14, 2005 01:26 PM
i have read your blog and it was very good. i have put you on my blogmark and i like to read your blog and the comments that every one leaves. if you have time stop by my site. i think i will try and go to the sites of the people that have left you a comment here. have a good day.
Posted by: mrhaney at January 14, 2005 02:06 PM
Not to be trite, yet there is a simple truth in the old Girl Scout song: "Make new friends, but keep the old: one is silver and the other gold." It is good and worthy to keep old friendships, but they do require cultivation and attention. If that nurturing comes to be one sided, there is often not much the nurturing party can do to "force" reciprocation. Continue to nurture the ones you can; and remember to cultivate new friends. Golly, this sounds like a diatribe on gardening...and I guess, in a way, it is! There are many people who would love to have you in their lives, if they could but have the chance to meet and get to know you. And, if you'd like a friend from California: here I am!! :D
Posted by: Mellie Helen at January 18, 2005 11:11 AM